Forgiving
*warning - brain dump!*
This afternoon, I'm checking one of my fave blogs (Dr. Ben Kim), and there is an updated article on learning how to forgive those who have hurt you. Not the "I called you names on the playground" kind of hurt, but the deeply scarring kind. The kind I need to forgive. Since coming to Christ, I realize how precious the gift of forgiveness is, and that it is more for my freedom than for someone else's benefit. I especially like the quote on Dr. Kim's website regarding how after the abuser was forgiven.......there is a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, as the rage and hatred that has driven me for so long has died and passed.
That's where I am, right now. It's not that I don't want to forgive and move on, it's that how deeply I've been scarred surprises me from time to time. I start to notice things like I do not come within arm's reach of a man that is bigger/stronger than me, that I don't know. I shut down most people that want to know me better because if they REALLY knew me........the real me, the one that loves God and sometimes loves to sin.....would they still want me around? I'm a study in contradictions, I'm neither "this" nor "that" in just about any circle I run in, and I've been ok with that for some time. Except....it makes for a lonely life at times. Living life on the outside looking in, is what I call it.
Part of taking this year off, to graduate, pursue further the adventures in fitness/nutrition, to start a new life, is to take the opportunity to dig deep and give to God those deep seated things that need to be turned over to Him. Instead of playing chicken with God and claiming "too busy", to really search the heart and give to God the hurts, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've been holding onto for far too long. All it does is hold me back, and frustrate what God would have me do for Him. I don't even realize at times that I've been running on fury and pain for so long that I don't know what else to do. That's just it. I really DON'T know what else to do. I know to pray, and to turn it over, and it's the "now what?" that I struggle with now and again.
Just rambling. Today's been an odd day where I have deadlines to meet, but abstractions hit me upside the head to pull me into reflection that is much needed.
This afternoon, I'm checking one of my fave blogs (Dr. Ben Kim), and there is an updated article on learning how to forgive those who have hurt you. Not the "I called you names on the playground" kind of hurt, but the deeply scarring kind. The kind I need to forgive. Since coming to Christ, I realize how precious the gift of forgiveness is, and that it is more for my freedom than for someone else's benefit. I especially like the quote on Dr. Kim's website regarding how after the abuser was forgiven.......there is a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, as the rage and hatred that has driven me for so long has died and passed.
That's where I am, right now. It's not that I don't want to forgive and move on, it's that how deeply I've been scarred surprises me from time to time. I start to notice things like I do not come within arm's reach of a man that is bigger/stronger than me, that I don't know. I shut down most people that want to know me better because if they REALLY knew me........the real me, the one that loves God and sometimes loves to sin.....would they still want me around? I'm a study in contradictions, I'm neither "this" nor "that" in just about any circle I run in, and I've been ok with that for some time. Except....it makes for a lonely life at times. Living life on the outside looking in, is what I call it.
Part of taking this year off, to graduate, pursue further the adventures in fitness/nutrition, to start a new life, is to take the opportunity to dig deep and give to God those deep seated things that need to be turned over to Him. Instead of playing chicken with God and claiming "too busy", to really search the heart and give to God the hurts, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've been holding onto for far too long. All it does is hold me back, and frustrate what God would have me do for Him. I don't even realize at times that I've been running on fury and pain for so long that I don't know what else to do. That's just it. I really DON'T know what else to do. I know to pray, and to turn it over, and it's the "now what?" that I struggle with now and again.
Just rambling. Today's been an odd day where I have deadlines to meet, but abstractions hit me upside the head to pull me into reflection that is much needed.
posted by Rae at
10:02 PM
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