Dr. Ben Kim! ;)

http://www.drbenkim.com/radio/overcoming-limiting-beliefs.htm

I cannot overstate how much I enjoy this man's thoughts. I especially appreciate the conversation regarding limiting thoughts/beliefs that we all have, and don't even know it. This ties in perfectly with some of my goals for this year which include "mucking out" those deep-seated beliefs that are not in line with God's word and therefore present a hindrance to further growth and development.

Some of these, after some thought, include:

1. I'm only as valuable as I am beautiful. This is a common theme among women, and an even more common one among those with a background of abuse. We are treated as commodities, to the point that we believe our worth and value are measured by the level of desire in someone else's eyes. If I follow that train of thought, then I have no value unless someone tells me I do. That's a lot of power to give away. God's word directly contradicts this by stating that a good name is more desirable than riches, and that even when my hair is gray He will still care for me just as much as He does now.

2. If I don't fit in, I will not be liked, will not have friends, etc. Leaders stand out. That's all there is to it. I don't even try to stand out, in fact I do my best to blend in, and the older I get, the less I can do it. I'm not the only one with this issue. Many of my loving, generous, fierce lady friends (*coughs*, like my co-author on this blog, for instance! LOL) stand out in a crowd simply because they ARE, and not due to anything that they do or say. I do this, unfortunately it can draw attention I"m not yet ready for. Such as being heavily recruited by local firms, when I still have it firmly in my head that I am relocating upon graduation. I draw attention because I'm comfortable in my own skin at long last, and that is a quality that simply cannot be imitated. I know who I am, I know where I'm going, I know where I stand. It's not a point of pride or bragging, I worked very hard to be where I am, I don't mind that showing.

3. I can only be accepted for what I do, not for who I am. Many capable women fall into this. If you are not DOING something, then people won't need you anymore, and then you are therefore feeling somehow "less" than you would be feeling, otherwise. This is the core of burnout, or stress induced exhaustion, and emotional upheaval. Don't know when to quit. Relationships are based upon performance, "if I do this, then they do that". Many Christians have this type of relationship with God, that if we aren't there every time the church is open, we don't read our 4 chapters a day, pray for an hour and do our devotions, God somehow is displeased with us or we are less of a Christian. This is nothing but sheer and utter bondage. I recommend the entire book of Galations to you, if this applies to you. Are we to be set free by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ only to enslave ourselves again to legalism to make ourselves somehow feel more spiritual???!?!?!? Isn't this somehow implying that by our own efforts we can make ourselves holy, which is borderline blasphemy? Do what you want unto God because you want to honor Him, and as a response to His love for us, but past that........it's a "works trip". One I needed off of, a long time ago.

4. I'm less of a woman because having a home and family aren't on the top of my list. Allow me to clarify. I do want the companionship of marriage, and a partner to live life with, but the rest is really inconsequential to me. Settling down in one area, putting down roots, having children, etc., have never been much of a priority for me or I'd have to think I would have done it by now. I want to travel, be involved in projects that are fulfilling and add value to the community/world, and leave this place better than when I found it. From my mid-twenties to early thirties I struggled with this a lot, that I was somehow "weird" for not wanting the life that all of my friends had. I would be prayed for in churches because OBVIOUSLY there was something wrong with me that I had no man and no minivan full of children yet. I've been accused (I say that scathingly, there are far worse things in life than being a homosexual in my book, but that's another story) of being a lesbian more times than I can count, and I just shake my head. God has told me that I would marry, but that it'd be later in life than normal. I'm already at that point, so I just rest in the fact that I know it will happen.

5. The future is something I can control. I'd try, anyway. Yes, the choices I make today have a great deal to do with what tomorrow brings, but I forget at times that God is sovreign, and that it is His will that will be accomplished in me, regardless. God is in the HERE and NOW, not in my worries of the future, or regrets of the past. God is with me, right now, shaping me into His image, little by little. The only thing the future can do is show His handiwork in my heart. I have no need to worry. But I do, anyway.

At any rate, those are just a sampling of some strongly rooted beliefs that I picked up somewhere along the way, and they need to be uprooted and replaced. On the flip side of that coin, some things that I have learned about myself are as follows:

1. I have to be learning and growing on some level (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, preferably all of the above). If I don't feel like I am growing and changing in a positive direction, I lose focus and direction. This is where incredibly self-destructive habits creep up and sabotage my life for a while. I'm at my best when I'm learning, I'm at my worst when I think I know it all. Right now I"m blessed in that I'm growing by working out and being more conscious of nutrition, getting the MBA, developing my relationship with God on deeper levels, which all adds up to emotional growth, joy, etc., It all ties together. It's a goodness in life.

2. Like it or not, I'm vain. That's all there is to it. Not in the "have to have my hair done all the time" way, but I'm incredibly particular in skin care, I workout religiously (life ain't right unless I crack a sweat first thing in the mornin'), I do my best to make the most of what my mama gave me, and how I present myself is important. In my book, that's kind of vain, but practical in this society.

3. I'm "principles-based" versus "rules based". That's accounting humour for ya, but let me explain. I don't measure the strength of my character based upon if I don't drink, don't cuss, don't keep bad company, never break the speed limit, etc. If I have to blow through red lights to get a friend to the hospital, then that's what I'll do. This ties very heavily into my relationship with God, where I simply cannot accept that we are no longer underneath the law yet I have to fulfill a checklist to be considered a good Christian. Living by grace is actually more freeing, and yet more restrictive, where ALL THINGS are done to honor God, not just x, y, or z. God knows the heart, and dealing with THAT is far more painful, intricate and far-reaching than modifying outward behaviour. Deal with the principles (the heart) first, and the rest will come on its own, in my view. I carry this mode of thought into all areas of my life, where the heart of the matter is far more important than the outward appearances.


Again, this blog is at times a brain dump so I can remember later these "great thoughts" I have. I DID set this to private, ............right? *grin*

Forgiving

*warning - brain dump!*
This afternoon, I'm checking one of my fave blogs (Dr. Ben Kim), and there is an updated article on learning how to forgive those who have hurt you. Not the "I called you names on the playground" kind of hurt, but the deeply scarring kind. The kind I need to forgive. Since coming to Christ, I realize how precious the gift of forgiveness is, and that it is more for my freedom than for someone else's benefit. I especially like the quote on Dr. Kim's website regarding how after the abuser was forgiven.......there is a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, as the rage and hatred that has driven me for so long has died and passed.

That's where I am, right now. It's not that I don't want to forgive and move on, it's that how deeply I've been scarred surprises me from time to time. I start to notice things like I do not come within arm's reach of a man that is bigger/stronger than me, that I don't know. I shut down most people that want to know me better because if they REALLY knew me........the real me, the one that loves God and sometimes loves to sin.....would they still want me around? I'm a study in contradictions, I'm neither "this" nor "that" in just about any circle I run in, and I've been ok with that for some time. Except....it makes for a lonely life at times. Living life on the outside looking in, is what I call it.

Part of taking this year off, to graduate, pursue further the adventures in fitness/nutrition, to start a new life, is to take the opportunity to dig deep and give to God those deep seated things that need to be turned over to Him. Instead of playing chicken with God and claiming "too busy", to really search the heart and give to God the hurts, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've been holding onto for far too long. All it does is hold me back, and frustrate what God would have me do for Him. I don't even realize at times that I've been running on fury and pain for so long that I don't know what else to do. That's just it. I really DON'T know what else to do. I know to pray, and to turn it over, and it's the "now what?" that I struggle with now and again.

Just rambling. Today's been an odd day where I have deadlines to meet, but abstractions hit me upside the head to pull me into reflection that is much needed.

#115 A Fuller Communion

This particular reading of Oswald Chambers focused on how sometimes through spiritual discipline (which can involve confusion), that we finally see clearly, with a closer communion with God.

On this very rare occasion, I find myself disagreeing with Mr. Chambers in the use of one of his examples to illustrate this point. In this reading, there were 3 prayers used to illustrate this point.
1. The final prayer of Samson to God to restore his strength so that he could pull down the Temple of Dagon on top of both the Philistines and himself. (Judges 13)
2. The prayer of David after his year long silence after the murder of Uriah and marriage to Bathsheba (Ps 51)
3. The parable of the widow pleading to the judge for mercy (Luke 15)

Some observations:
1. None of the prayers were answered due to the worth of the petitioner, nonetheless, all of the prayers were answered.
a. Samson: Samson's strength came from a physical attribute, not his communion with God, nor his character. His last prayer was honored not only because his hair was growing out, but because God sought to show His glory over the Philistine god, Dagon. Samson only cared for taking vengeance for his eyes. God sought vengeance for His honor. In this case, the 2 coincided, but I disagree that Samson really saw the truth. Otherwise I think God would have spared his life instead of letting him die with the Philistines. His entire career, Samson did not seek the Lord's face, only His hand.

And yet, God still answered.

b. David: this prayer was after he finally acknowledged his sin with murdering Bathsheba's husband and taking Bathsheba for his wife. The fact that God always refers to Bathsheba as "the wife of Uriah" should spell out exactly where God places the responsibility for this situation. (hint: not with Bathsheba, God has no problem calling women harlots, I submit Jezebel as my case in point on that). It is almost as if God does not recognize the marriage of David and Bathsheba, as He never refers to Bathsheba as David's wife.

Yet, God chose Solomon to take the throne and be David's heir and ancestor to Jesus Christ.

c. The widow: The widow pleads for justice from a judge so persistently that the judge finally grants her wish just to get her off his back. This judge recognizes no authority other than his own, respecting neither God nor man.

The prayers of the carnal man, the righteous man, and the desperate woman were all answered. God is hammering home the point that prayer is the way to achieve what God would have you do.

2. The first 2 petitioners, Samson and David, took matters into their own hands and suffered dearly for it (Samson with Deliliah, and David with Bathsheba among other situations). The last, the widow, pleaded to the judge for justice and was answered.
self-determination: Christians are forbidden from taking matters into their own hands. We are not to take vengeance for ourselves, or to take for ourselves what we think we need. "Seek first the kingdom of God...." , "those who seek to save their life will lose it........".
example: Absalom. Absalom was the best that Israel could think of when it came to having a king. At this point David was losing control of Israel, and there was deep division in his court (partially stemming from his adultery with Bathsheba as Bathsheba's grandfather Mephibosheth was one of David's chief counselors), and Absalom was figuring out that he wasn't going to be the heir. Absalom was handsome, winsome, charming, and held the hearts of the people. In very real terms, he was the Obama of his day. Israel yearned for a king that they could believe in again, the honeymoon with the Giant Killer David was over. A civil war started, Absalom was killed with countless thousands losing their lives in the process.
What Israel didn't know is that they looked at Absalom, but God had something even better in mind for them. Solomon was about 10 years old at this point in time, and he was destined to be Israel's wisest king, with Israel being ushered into their Golden Age. Israel was never as prosperous or peaceful then, or now, as they were under Solomon's reign.

A word of encouragement here: for all the the daydreams, thoughts, wishes, hopes, and plans for my life, or any Christian's life, I can only imagine an "Absalom", when God has in mind a "Solomon". "No eye has seen nor ear has heard the wondrous and great things that the Lord God has for His people............". I have my ideas about my life, where I want it to go, what I want to do, and for all of my self-determination, for all of my baseborn wisdom, what I envision are crumbs compared to the plenty that God has waiting for me if I choose His way. God will let me have what I want............and that can be the worst thing for me. "All things are lawful, but not all things are edifying.............".

God has waiting for me something so much better than what I can imagine that I can't wait to find out what it is. I used to become impatient, and grab for myself what I thought I wanted. This has always, without fail, resulted in disappointment and loss. "With the riches of God there is no sorrow..........". God never does something at another's expense. It's not like God has to take from something or someone to give to someone else, He doesn't "do" Ponzi schemes (little accounting humour there). God functions from an overabundance..........there are enough dreams, riches, love and laughter for all who would have it. There is no shortage of adventures beyond my wildest imagination, there is no shortage of fulfillment or the joy that only He can bring.

Left to myself, I would choose an Absalom, when God has in mind for me a Solomon. The "good" is the enemy of the "best".

Hold on, stand fast, and expect the deliverance that He promises. He's always full of surprises!