Epiphanies

This is what I get for doing nothing but schoolwork for weeks on end! ;) I start to "go hermit" and the brain goes into overdrive.

This past week, physically, has been very good. I'm seeing numbers on the scale I haven't seen in 10 years or more, AND I'm able to do *a* chinup unassisted. One. But it's awesome. So hitting some personal "bests" even though they are relatively minor compared to the rest of the world.

Hot on the heels of this sense of accomplishment comes the mental sludge. Things I haven't remembered in years, decades even, come up. The things I've done that I'm not proud of, the things that have happened to me that I wish......didn't.

WTF?????

It piqued my curiosity. So I went to God in prayer with "ya mind telling me what's going on?"

Surprise, surprise, He did.

I've had some very fundamental flashes of insight along the way in my Christian journey that have forever changed my outlook on God and how I relate to Him. Today I had another one, but I'll list them here.

1. God always hears you.

I know, I know, in the Scripture it says that sin can hinder your prayers. Scripture also says that God knows your thoughts before you think them. So please explain to me how the communication lines can break down. The "if you have sin in your life, God doesn't hear your prayers" schtick is never used to bring someone closer to God, it's been my experience that it is always used to install fear into the hearer..........and therefore make them more pliable for them to follow God YOUR way. Of course.

This is spiritual abuse, in my book. There is only one mediator between God and man, and that is Jesus. Who just happens to be.........omniscient.

So what is this all about?

God hears you. However, I remember quite vividly being in a situation that I had no business being in, and feeling absolutely isolated and alone. I put myself in a position where I hindered the Holy Spirit in my life by disobeying and grieving Him, but that doesn't mean that when I cried out to God that He ignored me. Eventually I made the changes I needed to make to restore the fellowship with God that I previously enjoyed, but never, not once, did God not hear me.

If anything, God was respecting my wishes to be in an awful situation. The power of freewill. Respect it!

So, when I realized that God is bigger than my situation, BIGGER THAN MY SIN, and bigger than myself, I rested in Him and made the changes I needed to make to be closer to Him. Not out of fear, but out of love. God is bigger than the four walls that close in on me when I feel trapped and isolated by my circumstances. When I realized that, the walls never closed in on me again.

It is the kindness of the Lord that leads to repentance.

This insight has installed me with a ferocious boldness to do what God would have me do, regardless of what others think, or what others may do. I have a firm certainty that God can handle anything that comes my way, and there is no reason to be afraid. There is no reason to worry, and there is no reason to be anxious. I remember that. Most of the time.

2. God makes all things new

If someone ever asked me my favorite verse, it'd be "Behold, I make all things new!". The wonder and joy I feel when I *really* know that God will make all things new, gives me such a sense of peace that I cannot WAIT to see it happen. God has taken my broken life and is forging it into something new, something He can use. God takes my broken mind, my shattered heart, and my grieving soul and makes something new, and beautiful out of it. For no other reason than it pleases Him to do so. I love that. I love the fact that God does what He wants, when He wants, because He wants to. I can sincerely relate to that! ;)

That said, there is some pain along the way. God is often described as a tiller of the soil, as a husbandman to the land. So today when I went to Him to ask Him why painful memories from long ago were taking center stage in my mind again, He spoke to me very clearly that to till the soil, you have to take everything in it and churn it up. God is tilling the soil of my heart. That means that not only the good things, the happy things are thrown into the mix, but the painful and shameful things are there as well. It's all churned together to be sown with God's plan, and something greater and wonderful will come of it. God uses EVERYTHING for the good of those that are called by Him and according to His purpose. Not just the good, and not just the bad. It's the heartbreaking mixture of the two that combine with God's love to craft a life of wisdom and beauty. Such is how He is dealing with me right now.

Satan used to use these times to "blindside" me, to take me out of the picture, where I drugged myself on self-pity and senseless sorrow for no good reason I can remember. This would incapacitate me spiritually and I'd have to find a way to bottle up the thoughts and memories from way-back-when so I could function from day to day. So my head would become the cluttered attic, where it'd be full of unwanted items stuffed in boxes all over the place.

What God is showing me now is that He's taking all of these things and making something fantastic out of it. So instead of feeling shame or sorrow over things long done and over with, I can praise God for taking it and making some use out of it that can help someone else. God's specialty is bringing beauty from ashes, and I have plenty of ashes to give.

Praise God for not leaving me alone, and praise God that it is His joy to take all of my life and transform it into something unheard of for His glory. I think I definitely got the better end of that bargain, if you ask me! ;)

Dr. Ben Kim! ;)

http://www.drbenkim.com/radio/overcoming-limiting-beliefs.htm

I cannot overstate how much I enjoy this man's thoughts. I especially appreciate the conversation regarding limiting thoughts/beliefs that we all have, and don't even know it. This ties in perfectly with some of my goals for this year which include "mucking out" those deep-seated beliefs that are not in line with God's word and therefore present a hindrance to further growth and development.

Some of these, after some thought, include:

1. I'm only as valuable as I am beautiful. This is a common theme among women, and an even more common one among those with a background of abuse. We are treated as commodities, to the point that we believe our worth and value are measured by the level of desire in someone else's eyes. If I follow that train of thought, then I have no value unless someone tells me I do. That's a lot of power to give away. God's word directly contradicts this by stating that a good name is more desirable than riches, and that even when my hair is gray He will still care for me just as much as He does now.

2. If I don't fit in, I will not be liked, will not have friends, etc. Leaders stand out. That's all there is to it. I don't even try to stand out, in fact I do my best to blend in, and the older I get, the less I can do it. I'm not the only one with this issue. Many of my loving, generous, fierce lady friends (*coughs*, like my co-author on this blog, for instance! LOL) stand out in a crowd simply because they ARE, and not due to anything that they do or say. I do this, unfortunately it can draw attention I"m not yet ready for. Such as being heavily recruited by local firms, when I still have it firmly in my head that I am relocating upon graduation. I draw attention because I'm comfortable in my own skin at long last, and that is a quality that simply cannot be imitated. I know who I am, I know where I'm going, I know where I stand. It's not a point of pride or bragging, I worked very hard to be where I am, I don't mind that showing.

3. I can only be accepted for what I do, not for who I am. Many capable women fall into this. If you are not DOING something, then people won't need you anymore, and then you are therefore feeling somehow "less" than you would be feeling, otherwise. This is the core of burnout, or stress induced exhaustion, and emotional upheaval. Don't know when to quit. Relationships are based upon performance, "if I do this, then they do that". Many Christians have this type of relationship with God, that if we aren't there every time the church is open, we don't read our 4 chapters a day, pray for an hour and do our devotions, God somehow is displeased with us or we are less of a Christian. This is nothing but sheer and utter bondage. I recommend the entire book of Galations to you, if this applies to you. Are we to be set free by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ only to enslave ourselves again to legalism to make ourselves somehow feel more spiritual???!?!?!? Isn't this somehow implying that by our own efforts we can make ourselves holy, which is borderline blasphemy? Do what you want unto God because you want to honor Him, and as a response to His love for us, but past that........it's a "works trip". One I needed off of, a long time ago.

4. I'm less of a woman because having a home and family aren't on the top of my list. Allow me to clarify. I do want the companionship of marriage, and a partner to live life with, but the rest is really inconsequential to me. Settling down in one area, putting down roots, having children, etc., have never been much of a priority for me or I'd have to think I would have done it by now. I want to travel, be involved in projects that are fulfilling and add value to the community/world, and leave this place better than when I found it. From my mid-twenties to early thirties I struggled with this a lot, that I was somehow "weird" for not wanting the life that all of my friends had. I would be prayed for in churches because OBVIOUSLY there was something wrong with me that I had no man and no minivan full of children yet. I've been accused (I say that scathingly, there are far worse things in life than being a homosexual in my book, but that's another story) of being a lesbian more times than I can count, and I just shake my head. God has told me that I would marry, but that it'd be later in life than normal. I'm already at that point, so I just rest in the fact that I know it will happen.

5. The future is something I can control. I'd try, anyway. Yes, the choices I make today have a great deal to do with what tomorrow brings, but I forget at times that God is sovreign, and that it is His will that will be accomplished in me, regardless. God is in the HERE and NOW, not in my worries of the future, or regrets of the past. God is with me, right now, shaping me into His image, little by little. The only thing the future can do is show His handiwork in my heart. I have no need to worry. But I do, anyway.

At any rate, those are just a sampling of some strongly rooted beliefs that I picked up somewhere along the way, and they need to be uprooted and replaced. On the flip side of that coin, some things that I have learned about myself are as follows:

1. I have to be learning and growing on some level (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, preferably all of the above). If I don't feel like I am growing and changing in a positive direction, I lose focus and direction. This is where incredibly self-destructive habits creep up and sabotage my life for a while. I'm at my best when I'm learning, I'm at my worst when I think I know it all. Right now I"m blessed in that I'm growing by working out and being more conscious of nutrition, getting the MBA, developing my relationship with God on deeper levels, which all adds up to emotional growth, joy, etc., It all ties together. It's a goodness in life.

2. Like it or not, I'm vain. That's all there is to it. Not in the "have to have my hair done all the time" way, but I'm incredibly particular in skin care, I workout religiously (life ain't right unless I crack a sweat first thing in the mornin'), I do my best to make the most of what my mama gave me, and how I present myself is important. In my book, that's kind of vain, but practical in this society.

3. I'm "principles-based" versus "rules based". That's accounting humour for ya, but let me explain. I don't measure the strength of my character based upon if I don't drink, don't cuss, don't keep bad company, never break the speed limit, etc. If I have to blow through red lights to get a friend to the hospital, then that's what I'll do. This ties very heavily into my relationship with God, where I simply cannot accept that we are no longer underneath the law yet I have to fulfill a checklist to be considered a good Christian. Living by grace is actually more freeing, and yet more restrictive, where ALL THINGS are done to honor God, not just x, y, or z. God knows the heart, and dealing with THAT is far more painful, intricate and far-reaching than modifying outward behaviour. Deal with the principles (the heart) first, and the rest will come on its own, in my view. I carry this mode of thought into all areas of my life, where the heart of the matter is far more important than the outward appearances.


Again, this blog is at times a brain dump so I can remember later these "great thoughts" I have. I DID set this to private, ............right? *grin*

Forgiving

*warning - brain dump!*
This afternoon, I'm checking one of my fave blogs (Dr. Ben Kim), and there is an updated article on learning how to forgive those who have hurt you. Not the "I called you names on the playground" kind of hurt, but the deeply scarring kind. The kind I need to forgive. Since coming to Christ, I realize how precious the gift of forgiveness is, and that it is more for my freedom than for someone else's benefit. I especially like the quote on Dr. Kim's website regarding how after the abuser was forgiven.......there is a sense of loss, a sense of emptiness, as the rage and hatred that has driven me for so long has died and passed.

That's where I am, right now. It's not that I don't want to forgive and move on, it's that how deeply I've been scarred surprises me from time to time. I start to notice things like I do not come within arm's reach of a man that is bigger/stronger than me, that I don't know. I shut down most people that want to know me better because if they REALLY knew me........the real me, the one that loves God and sometimes loves to sin.....would they still want me around? I'm a study in contradictions, I'm neither "this" nor "that" in just about any circle I run in, and I've been ok with that for some time. Except....it makes for a lonely life at times. Living life on the outside looking in, is what I call it.

Part of taking this year off, to graduate, pursue further the adventures in fitness/nutrition, to start a new life, is to take the opportunity to dig deep and give to God those deep seated things that need to be turned over to Him. Instead of playing chicken with God and claiming "too busy", to really search the heart and give to God the hurts, bitterness, unforgiveness and anger that I've been holding onto for far too long. All it does is hold me back, and frustrate what God would have me do for Him. I don't even realize at times that I've been running on fury and pain for so long that I don't know what else to do. That's just it. I really DON'T know what else to do. I know to pray, and to turn it over, and it's the "now what?" that I struggle with now and again.

Just rambling. Today's been an odd day where I have deadlines to meet, but abstractions hit me upside the head to pull me into reflection that is much needed.

#115 A Fuller Communion

This particular reading of Oswald Chambers focused on how sometimes through spiritual discipline (which can involve confusion), that we finally see clearly, with a closer communion with God.

On this very rare occasion, I find myself disagreeing with Mr. Chambers in the use of one of his examples to illustrate this point. In this reading, there were 3 prayers used to illustrate this point.
1. The final prayer of Samson to God to restore his strength so that he could pull down the Temple of Dagon on top of both the Philistines and himself. (Judges 13)
2. The prayer of David after his year long silence after the murder of Uriah and marriage to Bathsheba (Ps 51)
3. The parable of the widow pleading to the judge for mercy (Luke 15)

Some observations:
1. None of the prayers were answered due to the worth of the petitioner, nonetheless, all of the prayers were answered.
a. Samson: Samson's strength came from a physical attribute, not his communion with God, nor his character. His last prayer was honored not only because his hair was growing out, but because God sought to show His glory over the Philistine god, Dagon. Samson only cared for taking vengeance for his eyes. God sought vengeance for His honor. In this case, the 2 coincided, but I disagree that Samson really saw the truth. Otherwise I think God would have spared his life instead of letting him die with the Philistines. His entire career, Samson did not seek the Lord's face, only His hand.

And yet, God still answered.

b. David: this prayer was after he finally acknowledged his sin with murdering Bathsheba's husband and taking Bathsheba for his wife. The fact that God always refers to Bathsheba as "the wife of Uriah" should spell out exactly where God places the responsibility for this situation. (hint: not with Bathsheba, God has no problem calling women harlots, I submit Jezebel as my case in point on that). It is almost as if God does not recognize the marriage of David and Bathsheba, as He never refers to Bathsheba as David's wife.

Yet, God chose Solomon to take the throne and be David's heir and ancestor to Jesus Christ.

c. The widow: The widow pleads for justice from a judge so persistently that the judge finally grants her wish just to get her off his back. This judge recognizes no authority other than his own, respecting neither God nor man.

The prayers of the carnal man, the righteous man, and the desperate woman were all answered. God is hammering home the point that prayer is the way to achieve what God would have you do.

2. The first 2 petitioners, Samson and David, took matters into their own hands and suffered dearly for it (Samson with Deliliah, and David with Bathsheba among other situations). The last, the widow, pleaded to the judge for justice and was answered.
self-determination: Christians are forbidden from taking matters into their own hands. We are not to take vengeance for ourselves, or to take for ourselves what we think we need. "Seek first the kingdom of God...." , "those who seek to save their life will lose it........".
example: Absalom. Absalom was the best that Israel could think of when it came to having a king. At this point David was losing control of Israel, and there was deep division in his court (partially stemming from his adultery with Bathsheba as Bathsheba's grandfather Mephibosheth was one of David's chief counselors), and Absalom was figuring out that he wasn't going to be the heir. Absalom was handsome, winsome, charming, and held the hearts of the people. In very real terms, he was the Obama of his day. Israel yearned for a king that they could believe in again, the honeymoon with the Giant Killer David was over. A civil war started, Absalom was killed with countless thousands losing their lives in the process.
What Israel didn't know is that they looked at Absalom, but God had something even better in mind for them. Solomon was about 10 years old at this point in time, and he was destined to be Israel's wisest king, with Israel being ushered into their Golden Age. Israel was never as prosperous or peaceful then, or now, as they were under Solomon's reign.

A word of encouragement here: for all the the daydreams, thoughts, wishes, hopes, and plans for my life, or any Christian's life, I can only imagine an "Absalom", when God has in mind a "Solomon". "No eye has seen nor ear has heard the wondrous and great things that the Lord God has for His people............". I have my ideas about my life, where I want it to go, what I want to do, and for all of my self-determination, for all of my baseborn wisdom, what I envision are crumbs compared to the plenty that God has waiting for me if I choose His way. God will let me have what I want............and that can be the worst thing for me. "All things are lawful, but not all things are edifying.............".

God has waiting for me something so much better than what I can imagine that I can't wait to find out what it is. I used to become impatient, and grab for myself what I thought I wanted. This has always, without fail, resulted in disappointment and loss. "With the riches of God there is no sorrow..........". God never does something at another's expense. It's not like God has to take from something or someone to give to someone else, He doesn't "do" Ponzi schemes (little accounting humour there). God functions from an overabundance..........there are enough dreams, riches, love and laughter for all who would have it. There is no shortage of adventures beyond my wildest imagination, there is no shortage of fulfillment or the joy that only He can bring.

Left to myself, I would choose an Absalom, when God has in mind for me a Solomon. The "good" is the enemy of the "best".

Hold on, stand fast, and expect the deliverance that He promises. He's always full of surprises!

Reading 113 - Oswald Chambers Devotional Bible

Devotional: "God brings us into circumstances to educate our faith, for it is the nature of faith to make its object.....real".

Old Testament: Judges ch. 11

This reading covered one of the more difficult passages in the Bible regarding Jepthath's daughter (Judges, chapter 11). In the story, Jepthath made a vow to the Lord that if the upcoming battle was won, he would sacrifice the first thing that came out of his house as a burnt offering to the Lord.

It was his only child, his daughter, that came out of the house to greet him when he got home. Jepthath explained to her what he had promised, and she agreed to be sacrificed so her father could keep his word to the Lord. There is a chilling phrase that ends this story with "and then Jepthath did according to his word to the Lord".

There are several points to make with this story as follows:

1. Jepthath is a flippin' idiot. We are strongly advised not to make vows of any kind, save for marriage vows, to the Lord. For if we do, we are bound to keep them, or risk breaking a vow to the Almighty. Even Jesus urged us not to put ourselves in that position.

2. Jepthath certainly was not a lawyer. Proverbs teaches us to "count the cost" before we commit to anything, and Jepthath left a vow open-ended with "whatever comes out of my house". Were he wiser, he could have vowed to sacrifice a sheep, a bull, a ram, etc.

3. Jepthat's daughter is the heroine of this story. She could have run away and never come back, but she fully understood what had happened, and that she was to die. She asked for 2 months to "bewail her virginity", aka "let me hang out with my friends for a while" for she knew she would never marry, have children, watch them grow up, or live the full life that she thought she would. Instead of resisting, out of love for her father she submitted to this so her father could honor his word to the Lord. "No greater love hath a man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend". She laid down her life for her father; even though what he had done was extremely foolish. She willingly paid the price for him. This is further confirmed by the fact that the end of Judges chapter 11 it states "and all of the daughters of Israel spend 4 days of each year lamenting the daughter of Jepthath". It is his daughter that is honored.......................not him.

4. It boils down to ownership. This teaching is very strong, and hard to take, because what this describes is human sacrifice to the Almighty. The more I think about it, the more it bothered me until I was reminded of Job. "The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord". The Lord allowed all of Job's children to die in an accident, the Lord allowed Jepthath's daughter to be sacrificed. No sheep appearing out of nowhere to be sacrificed at the last minute to save the day, no angel telling Jepthath to stop. Initially this reads like a bone chilling Twilight Zone story where you keep expecting someone to show up and save the day..........but no one comes. It seems so unfair. Until I remember, the Lord gave us our lives, and they are His to do with as He wishes. Whether we like it or not, whether we believe in Him or not. If the Lord takes my life, can anyone give it back to me? I am at His mercy, and the length of my days are determined by Him and Him alone. He is in control, I am not. This grates on my nerves, because at my core, I still am determined to run my own life the way I please, with no regard for any authority other than my own. This has always resulted in disaster for me, you'd think I would have learned by now.

That said, I'm encouraged from Oswald's words when he says "to turn head faith into personal possession is a fight ALWAYS, not sometimes....". I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has this issue. I fight, continually, to keep my focus on what God is doing in my life, not what I want to be doing with my life.

Tying in all the passages:

Psalm 50: 7-15:

"Pay your vows to the Almighty/Call upon me in your time of trouble/ I will deliver you/ and you shall glorify Me" - eerily appropriate given the OT passage on Jepthath's daughter, but also a bridge to the NT selection for the day.

Proverbs: in the multitude of people is the king's glory, and the lack of people is a prince's downfall.

NT: Luke17: 1-19: Jesus stating that if you had faith as large as a mustard seed, then if you told the mountains to uproot themselves and throw themselves into the sea, they would obey you. Also covers the incident where 10 lepers cried out to Jesus on the edge of town for healing, He stops, tells them to go to the priest, and that they were healed. 10 lepers were healed, only one came back to glorify God ("I shall deliver you/ and you shall glorify Me"). That leper was a Samaritan. Jesus wondered aloud about the other 9, who were *not* Samaritans, and told him "your faith has made you well".

The Homeless Man and my Unsaved Friend:

Last Thursday went to lunch with Jeff, we go to Panda Express for a bite. Outside was a homeless man, smelly and stinky (much like the lepers in Jesus's day). Instead of reaching out to him, I draw back and just want to have a nice lunch with my friend and ignore him. God was having none of it. Jeff, of all people, the unsaved guy, offered to buy him lunch. The homeless man agreed. He stood in line with us, he sat with us, and he was telling stories and pouring his heart out because he was just so happy to have someone listen. I was getting uncomfortable because he was loud, smelled, and drawing attention. It was at this point that he started witnessing to Jeff. He was telling Jeff how God was good, how he was translating the Lord's prayer into Cheyenne, he sang this for us, and that Jesus poured out His blood for us and that if we let God take care of our troubles, then they would be taken care of.

That's called being put into my place, y'all. I didn't say hardly a word over lunch, I had nothing to say. I was sitting here thinking that I would be the one saying something...........and instead God used this homeless man to witness to Jeff. I was a spectator to God using everything he could to not only have this homeless man blessed and fed, but to have yet another seed planted into Jeff's heart, and a valuable lesson taught to me should I remember and learn. This is how God works, there is nothing done at the expense of another. Stinky Homeless Guy was fed, I was humbled, and Jeff was blessed. I'll be seeing that homeless man again in our eternal home, he's much better off than many people I know. I am much better off for having encountered him. God help me, my pride and my cynicism close me off to so much.

God has no need of faith, He simply is, and that is enough. I'm the one that needs faith, because I can't see Him, and I still don't trust Him to deliver me from my circumstances, or to stand with me through them, though in my head I believe I do. When push comes to shove, I instinctively rely on myself to pull myself through and so far with rare exception, I've been able to do so. This is not good. My strength and independence, an asset in today's world, in a hindrance in my relationship to God. The more I let Him carry me, the further I can go.

Spurgeon!

"May infinite wisdom cure us of the madness of self-confidence."

What WAS it about turn of the (last) century Scottish preachers that could put so much truth into so few words?

Ephesians 1:2

KJV: "Grace be to you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ."

Grace is commonly defined as God's Riches At Christ's Expense, but lately, what's been echoing in my soul is the need for peace...

The term used for peace in this passage is eirene {i-ray'-nay}, with the following definitions given:

1) a state of national tranquility

a) exemption from the rage and havoc of war

2) peace between individuals, i.e. harmony, concord

3) security, safety, prosperity, felicity, (because peace and harmony make and keep things safe and prosperous)

4) of the Messiah's peace

a) the way that leads to peace (salvation)

5) of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is

6) the blessed state of devout and upright men after death

The one that speaks to me the most strongly is #5: "state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsover sort that is".

This gives me great joy, and much relief. I'm very relieved to know that my salvation is in the hands of God Almighty, where it cannot be taken away. I'm relieved to know that whatever my earthly lot is, it's because God wanted me to be here, now, for a very specific reason. Thinking on this gives me great peace, and it's this assurance that is the strength of any Christian.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a sidenote, this past week has been anything but peaceful. I've been so rushed that I've left my keys in the front door overnight, and that was a wake up call for me. What God is speaking to me at the moment is to guard my heart and my time very carefully. Choose who I associate with, choose what I'm doing, choose where I place my priorities, choose where I derive my joy from. God have me the power to do so, and if I abuse it by choosing to associate with people that drag me down instead of build me up, choosing to take my cues from the world instead of the Word, and choosing to derive my satisfaction, my eirene, from anything other than Christ will only end in disaster. I've made my life a spiritual wasteland over many a bad decision. I'm done with that.

Grace, and peace.

I could use a lot more of that.

Selah.